So is there anything couples can do to help affair-proof their marriage?
The answer is YES!
Dr. Dave Carder recently spoke at the International Smart Marriages Conference in Orlando, Florida. He has written several books about infidelity including Torn Assunder and Close Calls.
During his presentation he talked about "Close Call Friendships." His talk was outstanding so I thought I would share some of the points he made.
Infatuation is an incredibly powerful drug. People don't think in their right mind when they are infatuated with something.
Any relationship with potential for quick chemistry is dangerous.
There is nothing wrong with platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex, but you need to have strong boundaries. When people come together around the same interests and passion it can be dangerous.
Beware of individuals from your past - old girlfriends/boyfriends. You never forget adolescent romance - which is why people often get into trouble when they go to high school and college reunions or get on Facebook and search for old flames.
Here are the danger signs for a close call friendship:
- You save topics of conversation for someone other than your spouse.
- You share spousal difficulties with this person. For example - "You're a woman, help me understand how my wife works."
- Your friend shares relationship difficulties with you.
- You anticipate seeing this person more than your spouse - this is a sign you are already sliding sideways. Keep in mind that you see your spouse at the 2 worst times of day - first thing in the morning when things tend to be chaotic and in the evening when you are trying to get dinner ready, homework done and you are tired from the day.
- You are more concerned about your friend than your spouse.
- You provide special treats for your friend.
- You fantasize about marriage with this friend.
- You spend more alone time with your friend than with your spouse.
- Your spouse does not have access to all of the conversations you are having with this person - email, texting, in person, etc.
- You spend money on this friend behind your spouse's back.
- Conflicts arise between you and your spouse over this friendship.
- You lie to your spouse in order to spend time with this friend - ie. You go into work an hour before you really need to be there in order to see your friend.
- You hide interactions with your friend from your spouse. For example, "Don't smile at me when you see me at church, my husband is watching."
- You accuse your spouse of jealousy when the friendship is brought up.
- You develop special rituals with your friend that are highly anticipated by both parties. When the rituals don't happen there is great disappointment.
- Your friend shares his/her feelings or touches you, which creates an inward response.
- You have conversations with your friend that include sexual content.
- You participate in corporate travel with your friend - also known as corporate dating - You participate in business travel where meals, alcohol, entertainment are involved and you are staying at the same hotel.
A bunch of us were sitting around at the conference talking about all of this craziness and here is the slogan we came up with:Don't come a knockin' my marriage is a rockin'!!!!!!
Would love to know your thoughts......