Before you throw in the towel - do you know:

- Remarrriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages.
We think if we just change partners, our problems will be solved. Not so.
And if there are children involved, you get remarried and turn some perfectly nice person into a stepmother or
stepfather. In remarriages with children – stepfamilies – the divorce rate is even higher.

- Men, women and children all do better in intact FIRST marriages -
on all measures: health, wealth, satisfaction and success.
Work things out and you'll all be better off - in the long run.

As summarized by columnist Maggie Gallagher: "Even among advantaged, middle-class
white children, divorce doubles the risk that 20 years later these adult children will experience
serious social, emotional, and/or psychological dysfunction."

Mavis Hetherington, a respected psychologist/researcher, found that the adult children of
divorce had twice the divorce rate of kids from intact families, and that only 20 percent of the adults (the parents) who saw their marriages end felt their lives have been enhanced by the experience.
- 1/28/07 Virginia Free-LanceStar

At the statistical level there is evidence to associate growing up in single-parent families and
stepfamilies with greater risk to well-being – including a greater risk of dropping out of school,
of leaving home early, or poorer health, of low skills, and of low pay. (p. 23) Child Poverty in Perspective

- Marriages, like everything else, go through slumps - down times. And, with time, things often get
better on their own. The Case for Marriage points out that many who report that
their marriages were at the bottom of the scale on marital satisfaction, when asked again five years later,
reported being at the top on marital happiness. When asked what changed, many had no idea. It seems that
keeping your vows – hanging in through the "for worse"– even the "for boring" or when you feel all out
of love – can, eventually, be what gets you to the promised land. Get married, stay married – what a concept.
Recent follow up research, Does Divorce Make People Happy? fleshes out the earlier research. People going through unhappy periods in their marriage fantasize about getting out of their marriage and gettin happy by falling in love with someone new. It turns out that the surer route to happiness – in the long run – is to fall back in love with the person with whom you have children, extended families, and a history – someone who will enjoy the grandkids with you and has been there to know what you've done for others.

- The new relationship is only going to be *new* for a few years, then you're back at trying to figure out
how to make marriage work.  And, don't kid yourself that single life is exciting, doesn't get old, lonely, and boring. 

- You CAN get past boredom & disappointment, and also affairs, substance abuse, porn addiction, emotional and physical abuse, betrayals, and come out better and stronger than before. Click for
must read articles and resources on recovering from infidelity, anger management and on "dating your mate".

- Or, perhaps you're already in a remarriage and are struggling to avoid divorcing
for the second, third, or fourth time. The classes, skills and information that work for first
marriages, will also work for you. Visit the Directory of programs. Take a basic marriage skills course and also search for
special stepfamily programs and resources. Many are available on DVD to watch at home. See the "at a distance" section.

Our research estimates that 55-60% of marriages that end in divorce fall into the category of "good enough marriages". These marriages appear to be functioning well only a year or so prior to the divorce. From a child's perspective, these divorce are unexpected, inexplicable, and unwelcome and are thus most likely to harm children. These marriages are significantly more likely to divorce because of infidelity, citing explanations of "drifting apart" or "communication problems". They are unlikely to mention abuse because these were not highly conflicted marriages.  - Paul Amato, Smart Marriages keynote

- The point is that Marriage Education classes aren't just for engaged couples or newlyweds. They work for
couples on the brink of divorce – hopeless couples in the deep end of the ocean who feel they've fallen out of love - are drifting apart. The courses also work for cohabiting couples. These are relationship skills.
You CAN learn new ways to interact, to connect – and by so doing, can become "masters of marriage" – gain the confidence
to marry or, if you're already married and facing disappointment, to fall in love again.

Divorce causes a decrease in wealth that is larger than just splitting a
couple’s assets in half. Divorce drops a person's wealth by an average of 77%.
And, contrary to popular belief, the research shows that the wealth status of
divorced men wasn’t significantly better than that of divorced women, in terms of real money.
Divorce devastates your wealth. By the same token, married people see an increase in wealth that is more than just adding the assets of two single people. If you really want to increase your wealth, get married and stay
married. - Jay Zagorsky, Ohio State, Journal of Sociology, Jan 2006

And, when it comes to the kids, it's not just single unwed mothers whose kids struggle.
"Most researchers reported that STEPCHILDREN were similar to children living with
single mothers on the preponderance of outcome measures and that stepchildren
were at greater risk for problems than were children living with both of
their married parents." - The Journal of Marriage and Family

- Anyone even thinking about divorce should read these essays:

"Marriage" by Frank Pittman

"When a Family Man Thinks Twice"(about divorce) - by Josh Coleman

"A Father's Reflections"

"How Marital Therapy Can be Hazardous to Your Marital Health" - Bill Doherty, Smart Marriages Conference

The Top Ten Myths of Divorce - by David Popenoe

Thinking About Divorce? Divorce Crossroads Guidebook for Couples 

Also, click to read a collection of Before You Divorce quotes

Between Two Worlds by Elizabeth Marquardt. $16.47 on amazon. To order, click:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0307237109/smartmarriages

Divorce's Legacy Often Financial Ruin

Click here for a full list of resources for fighting an unwanted divorce

Click for a Directory of Programs of courses and resources. Find a course in your area. Do it today.
Even if it feels hopeless. The worst you could do is learn communication skills and have a more civilized
post-marriage, co-parenting relationship.....you will be parents till death you do part. And don't kid yourself, as Carl Whitaker, marriage and family sage, said, "When there are kids involved, there's really no such thing as divorce."

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